I didn’t realize my depression and
anxiety could be linked to all that I’ve been seeing, hearing, and
experiencing in reference to all of the attacks on Black lives. At
first, and of course, my issues were born via personal situations. But
then I realized, starting from the Ferguson tragedy, my sleeping
problems became worse and I was more stressed out. Then it kept
happening, over and over again after the murders that followed suit. So
PERSONALLY, the various instances of racism and the effects of white
supremacy AND my various personal trials and tribulations that I have
faced in the past year are the cause of my pain.
So, if
you’re like me and didn’t think that racism/white supremacy can jump
start or aid in the mental health issues you’ve been facing, think
again.
Oh, and I also learned about what environmental racism is.
Saturday, August 22, 2015
Hey world.
So as you can see, I just put up like 4 random posts out of the blue... a whole year after my last post.
I completely neglected this blog.
I was going thru so many personal issues that I basically gave up on everything.
But within the past year or two, I've become involved with social justice and activism, so the tone of my posts may be a lot darker than what is already up here.
I've shared my thoughts on lots of different topics via facebook and instagram, and tumblr as well, but of course I'd get little to no responses or I'd just get completely ignored.
And I know on here that I have -3 followers, so for sure my posts won't get any attention now.
But maybe this could serve as an online journal of sorts.
I wanted to start this as a music blog, then a poetry blog, then maybe a blog about social justice. I decided to make it all of that and more, because it's my blog lol.
So I'm going to try my best and put up my thoughts and ramblings on here, so I can get my ideas and feelings out and not go crazy.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Back to my whole "personal issues" jawn. I was reluctant to share what was going on, but hey... maybe it could help me or someone else. So here ya'll go:
Long story short, on September 11, 2014, I tripped and injured my ankle. Two days later, I traveled all the way from my college to back home, at a hospital downtown (with my mom). The shady doctor dismissed my agony and since all I got was an X-Ray (1st mistake), she just said I had a sprain and sent me off with a too-small boot and an air cast. No crutches.
Next thing you know, a week later I was in so much pain that I had to borrow crutches from my school's Health Services.
THEN, THREE FRIGGIN MONTHS LATER, STILL IN EXTREME PAIN after going back and forth to my doctor, I finally got an MRI and they saw I had a torn calcaneofibular ligament in my right ankle.
Great.
Sooooo I got referred to an orthopedic, and he put me in a fiberglass cast for 3 weeks. Nothing got better. So, then I had to get surgery. That was in February 2015. 3 weeks after surgery, I was to get physical therapy. Since I was at my college in West Narnia (lol), it would be difficult. No one was willing to drive me anywhere for physical therapy 3x a week. I don't have a license, nor car, nor would I actually be able to drive. So 4 weeks before my semester was over, we found a place that had free transportation. The only issue was that the co pay was so friggin expensive that I could only go to PT once a week, and not 3 times like I was supposed to.
So lemme back up: I waited approx 2 months after surgery to get PT. BAD!!!
And after school ended, I had to find another place. I did eventually. But 2 weeks before my PT ended, I started getting sharp pains in my ankle. I got another MRI but that came out good... and I was forced to give up my crutches and the boot I had begged for since I was still experiencing pain.
That was in June? I believe. I dunno.
So now I'm "walking", but I'm still in pain. And I'm not back in PT yet.
All the while this garbage is happening to me, I started struggling in college. I was a junior when all this happened.
Because I was in pain for so long, that I didn't know what was happening with my ankle, that depressed me. The pain... ugh... day and night, and then the added pain on my arms and whole dang body from the crutches and putting all my weight on my left leg just ruined me.
Plus the fact that I felt like a lot of people started to get annoyed and aggravated because they didn't feel like helping me. So I often struggled doing things on my own... then eventually stopped doing certain things and going to vital places because I was incapable of doing it myself.
So being so loney and feeling neglected from my "friends" made me more depressed.
My schoolwork took a MAJOR hit. I was doing "meh" my Fall semester, but Spring semester was down the toilet. I had to drop 2 classes, barely passed one with a C+, and the last one I had to do an incomplete for, and I still have yet to do that work. Every time I got homework, I would push it off until the last minute, and just give up completely. I barely did homework. I also became extremely dissatisfied and uninterested with my major, and I wanted to change it, but I had no idea what I would change it to since I'm not good at anything. I have no skills. Plus I am going to be a senior, and I didn't want to push myself back even more.
And add the fact that I had family issues in terms of finances, health problems between me and family/tons of deaths in the family in a short period of time, and not being able to see my dad when I needed made it even worse.
I was having panic attacks, heart palpitations, nausea, headaches, sleeping even worse and I wasn't enjoying life anymore.
So I started going to counseling/therapy in March at my school. That helped a lot actually.
My counselor and my academic advisor and a few friends suggested I either take a leave during that semester, or for the Fall 2015 semester coming up. I said I'd think about it.
About a month ago, at my doctor's office, I requested for an EKG since my heart palpitations were becoming more frequent and I just felt like I was going to die.
They came out fine...
But my doc figured out I was having the PHYSICAL symptoms of depression. She said something that I would have never been able to figure out: that I actually COULDN'T do my work. I was depressed! And when you are depressed, you just aren't yourself and you can actually be so down that the things you know are important just can't get done.
Mind *blown*
But then she suggested I take the semester off, get more therapy, and see how I do.
So my mom and I finalized my leave for the semester, and we're still looking for a therapist.
I need a job too... hopefully I find something that suits me. My anxiety has been getting worse and the last thing I want to do is work a register or answer phones all day.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I also realized this (which I'm going to make a post of its own):
Racism/White Supremacy Can Aide in Depression/Anxiety!
I didn’t realize my depression and anxiety could be linked to all that I’ve been seeing, hearing, and experiencing in reference to all of the attacks on Black lives. At first, and of course, my issues were born via personal situations. But then I realized, starting from the Ferguson tragedy, my sleeping problems became worse and I was more stressed out. Then it kept happening, over and over again after the murders that followed suit. So PERSONALLY, the various instances of racism and the effects of white supremacy AND my various personal trials and tribulations that I have faced in the past year are the cause of my pain.
So, if you’re like me and didn’t think that racism/white supremacy can jump start or aid in the mental health issues you’ve been facing, think again.
Oh, and I also learned about what environmental racism is.
I want to find a therapist that looks like me. Because ain’t no way I’m mentioning this to someone who doesn’t look like me AND thinks we’re the savages. Not today, not ever.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And in conclusion, I want to share with you a Tumblr post I made during one of my low, low nights, on June 5. I was extremely vulnerable and straight up upset. This is basically a summary of all I said above:
"What am i good for. i have no skills. i used to write poetry but never wanted to do anything with it. i hate public speaking/get tongue tied when speaking to regular people. i can’t verbally get my thoughts across without feeling stupid. i can’t play instruments. i can’t sing. i can’t dance. i don’t play sports. i’m not a tech expert. i get ignored in basic conversations. people don’t care about my views. i had to drop 2 classes, do an incomplete in 1 class, and got a C+ in the only class i completed this past semester. the one before that, was shit too, but slightly better. my ankle is still injured since Sept and I’m kinda upgraded to using one crutch. i don’t know how to do hair. i’m not good in math or science. i don’t remember any technicalities in english if i had to tutor someone. i’m a picky eater. i have year round allergies. i have a high prescription and wear glasses. i guess im beautiful. im a music industry (now music production) major in college but i have no equipment and have never had any hands on experience until now. im 21. im interning at a studio and struggling trying to make a beat. i dont even think i like this industry since i changed my concentration and got a C+ in Music Production Technology right after I decided that would be my concentration. so i might have been a waste of time to change it. i have nothing to rely on. i dont know how to do anything. i aint shit".
*Sigh*
So as you can see, I just put up like 4 random posts out of the blue... a whole year after my last post.
I completely neglected this blog.
I was going thru so many personal issues that I basically gave up on everything.
But within the past year or two, I've become involved with social justice and activism, so the tone of my posts may be a lot darker than what is already up here.
I've shared my thoughts on lots of different topics via facebook and instagram, and tumblr as well, but of course I'd get little to no responses or I'd just get completely ignored.
And I know on here that I have -3 followers, so for sure my posts won't get any attention now.
But maybe this could serve as an online journal of sorts.
I wanted to start this as a music blog, then a poetry blog, then maybe a blog about social justice. I decided to make it all of that and more, because it's my blog lol.
So I'm going to try my best and put up my thoughts and ramblings on here, so I can get my ideas and feelings out and not go crazy.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Back to my whole "personal issues" jawn. I was reluctant to share what was going on, but hey... maybe it could help me or someone else. So here ya'll go:
Long story short, on September 11, 2014, I tripped and injured my ankle. Two days later, I traveled all the way from my college to back home, at a hospital downtown (with my mom). The shady doctor dismissed my agony and since all I got was an X-Ray (1st mistake), she just said I had a sprain and sent me off with a too-small boot and an air cast. No crutches.
Next thing you know, a week later I was in so much pain that I had to borrow crutches from my school's Health Services.
THEN, THREE FRIGGIN MONTHS LATER, STILL IN EXTREME PAIN after going back and forth to my doctor, I finally got an MRI and they saw I had a torn calcaneofibular ligament in my right ankle.
Great.
Sooooo I got referred to an orthopedic, and he put me in a fiberglass cast for 3 weeks. Nothing got better. So, then I had to get surgery. That was in February 2015. 3 weeks after surgery, I was to get physical therapy. Since I was at my college in West Narnia (lol), it would be difficult. No one was willing to drive me anywhere for physical therapy 3x a week. I don't have a license, nor car, nor would I actually be able to drive. So 4 weeks before my semester was over, we found a place that had free transportation. The only issue was that the co pay was so friggin expensive that I could only go to PT once a week, and not 3 times like I was supposed to.
So lemme back up: I waited approx 2 months after surgery to get PT. BAD!!!
And after school ended, I had to find another place. I did eventually. But 2 weeks before my PT ended, I started getting sharp pains in my ankle. I got another MRI but that came out good... and I was forced to give up my crutches and the boot I had begged for since I was still experiencing pain.
That was in June? I believe. I dunno.
So now I'm "walking", but I'm still in pain. And I'm not back in PT yet.
All the while this garbage is happening to me, I started struggling in college. I was a junior when all this happened.
Because I was in pain for so long, that I didn't know what was happening with my ankle, that depressed me. The pain... ugh... day and night, and then the added pain on my arms and whole dang body from the crutches and putting all my weight on my left leg just ruined me.
Plus the fact that I felt like a lot of people started to get annoyed and aggravated because they didn't feel like helping me. So I often struggled doing things on my own... then eventually stopped doing certain things and going to vital places because I was incapable of doing it myself.
So being so loney and feeling neglected from my "friends" made me more depressed.
My schoolwork took a MAJOR hit. I was doing "meh" my Fall semester, but Spring semester was down the toilet. I had to drop 2 classes, barely passed one with a C+, and the last one I had to do an incomplete for, and I still have yet to do that work. Every time I got homework, I would push it off until the last minute, and just give up completely. I barely did homework. I also became extremely dissatisfied and uninterested with my major, and I wanted to change it, but I had no idea what I would change it to since I'm not good at anything. I have no skills. Plus I am going to be a senior, and I didn't want to push myself back even more.
And add the fact that I had family issues in terms of finances, health problems between me and family/tons of deaths in the family in a short period of time, and not being able to see my dad when I needed made it even worse.
I was having panic attacks, heart palpitations, nausea, headaches, sleeping even worse and I wasn't enjoying life anymore.
So I started going to counseling/therapy in March at my school. That helped a lot actually.
My counselor and my academic advisor and a few friends suggested I either take a leave during that semester, or for the Fall 2015 semester coming up. I said I'd think about it.
About a month ago, at my doctor's office, I requested for an EKG since my heart palpitations were becoming more frequent and I just felt like I was going to die.
They came out fine...
But my doc figured out I was having the PHYSICAL symptoms of depression. She said something that I would have never been able to figure out: that I actually COULDN'T do my work. I was depressed! And when you are depressed, you just aren't yourself and you can actually be so down that the things you know are important just can't get done.
Mind *blown*
But then she suggested I take the semester off, get more therapy, and see how I do.
So my mom and I finalized my leave for the semester, and we're still looking for a therapist.
I need a job too... hopefully I find something that suits me. My anxiety has been getting worse and the last thing I want to do is work a register or answer phones all day.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I also realized this (which I'm going to make a post of its own):
Racism/White Supremacy Can Aide in Depression/Anxiety!
I didn’t realize my depression and anxiety could be linked to all that I’ve been seeing, hearing, and experiencing in reference to all of the attacks on Black lives. At first, and of course, my issues were born via personal situations. But then I realized, starting from the Ferguson tragedy, my sleeping problems became worse and I was more stressed out. Then it kept happening, over and over again after the murders that followed suit. So PERSONALLY, the various instances of racism and the effects of white supremacy AND my various personal trials and tribulations that I have faced in the past year are the cause of my pain.
So, if you’re like me and didn’t think that racism/white supremacy can jump start or aid in the mental health issues you’ve been facing, think again.
Oh, and I also learned about what environmental racism is.
I want to find a therapist that looks like me. Because ain’t no way I’m mentioning this to someone who doesn’t look like me AND thinks we’re the savages. Not today, not ever.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And in conclusion, I want to share with you a Tumblr post I made during one of my low, low nights, on June 5. I was extremely vulnerable and straight up upset. This is basically a summary of all I said above:
"What am i good for. i have no skills. i used to write poetry but never wanted to do anything with it. i hate public speaking/get tongue tied when speaking to regular people. i can’t verbally get my thoughts across without feeling stupid. i can’t play instruments. i can’t sing. i can’t dance. i don’t play sports. i’m not a tech expert. i get ignored in basic conversations. people don’t care about my views. i had to drop 2 classes, do an incomplete in 1 class, and got a C+ in the only class i completed this past semester. the one before that, was shit too, but slightly better. my ankle is still injured since Sept and I’m kinda upgraded to using one crutch. i don’t know how to do hair. i’m not good in math or science. i don’t remember any technicalities in english if i had to tutor someone. i’m a picky eater. i have year round allergies. i have a high prescription and wear glasses. i guess im beautiful. im a music industry (now music production) major in college but i have no equipment and have never had any hands on experience until now. im 21. im interning at a studio and struggling trying to make a beat. i dont even think i like this industry since i changed my concentration and got a C+ in Music Production Technology right after I decided that would be my concentration. so i might have been a waste of time to change it. i have nothing to rely on. i dont know how to do anything. i aint shit".
*Sigh*
Friday, August 21, 2015
Gye Nyame
Meaning: "Except God"
Symbol of the omnipotence and the omnipresence of God. (Fear no one, except God.)
From the Akan aphorism "Abode santann yi firi tete; obi nte ase a onim ne ahyease, na obi ntena ase nkosi ne awie, gye Nyame."
Literal translation: "This great panorama of creation dates back to time immemorial; no one lives who saw its beginning and no one will live to see its end, except God."
The symbol reflects the Akan belief of a supreme being, the creator who they refer to by various names, e.g., Oboadee, Nyame, Onyankopon Twereampon."
I have always believed in a higher power... But I also believe that we as a people are Gods, that God is really all in me, and in all of you. God lives in all of us, and we have our own free will to shape our universe. God is also in every other living thing, and transcends space and time. I guess this would technically categorize me as a "panentheist" for those who need to understand where I'm coming from (yes, #panentheist, not #pantheist. Google is your friend lol). Additionally, our bodies reflect the composition of the universe. We have different elements within us that are also found in space, as well as in the Earth.
I grew up Catholic, but now I do not associate with any religion, nor do I necessarily believe in a "messiah". We are our own messiahs; we have the power to save ourselves and the Black family. I also say that The Black Woman is God, because she/we were the Original beings who cultivated life. The Black Man is God because he planted the seed in the Black woman, in order to help create the human race.
I do not agree with "fearing" God; I believe that we should understand that the Higher Power is capable of acts beyond our comprehension and all we can do is honor and respect that Power. We should learn how to leave self control and compassion, empathy, and goodwill towards each other, so that the God above/in the universe as well as the God within us can achieve satisfaction and continue to tap into the higher consciousness we all have.
Symbol of the omnipotence and the omnipresence of God. (Fear no one, except God.)
From the Akan aphorism "Abode santann yi firi tete; obi nte ase a onim ne ahyease, na obi ntena ase nkosi ne awie, gye Nyame."
Literal translation: "This great panorama of creation dates back to time immemorial; no one lives who saw its beginning and no one will live to see its end, except God."
The symbol reflects the Akan belief of a supreme being, the creator who they refer to by various names, e.g., Oboadee, Nyame, Onyankopon Twereampon."
I have always believed in a higher power... But I also believe that we as a people are Gods, that God is really all in me, and in all of you. God lives in all of us, and we have our own free will to shape our universe. God is also in every other living thing, and transcends space and time. I guess this would technically categorize me as a "panentheist" for those who need to understand where I'm coming from (yes, #panentheist, not #pantheist. Google is your friend lol). Additionally, our bodies reflect the composition of the universe. We have different elements within us that are also found in space, as well as in the Earth.
I grew up Catholic, but now I do not associate with any religion, nor do I necessarily believe in a "messiah". We are our own messiahs; we have the power to save ourselves and the Black family. I also say that The Black Woman is God, because she/we were the Original beings who cultivated life. The Black Man is God because he planted the seed in the Black woman, in order to help create the human race.
I do not agree with "fearing" God; I believe that we should understand that the Higher Power is capable of acts beyond our comprehension and all we can do is honor and respect that Power. We should learn how to leave self control and compassion, empathy, and goodwill towards each other, so that the God above/in the universe as well as the God within us can achieve satisfaction and continue to tap into the higher consciousness we all have.
Positive Energy Activates Constant Elevation
When I was younger, I always wished for world peace. I wanted to
achieve that somehow, either by myself or with a passionate group of
people working at it together.
Little did I know that achieving world peace starts by achieving peace within your own mind, body, and soul.
Little did I know that peace from within should lead to peace within your household.
Little did I know that peace in the household should lead to peace within the family.
Little did I know that peace within the family should lead to peace with friends.
Little did I know that peace within the ones closest to you should lead to peace within my community.
Little did I know that peace within the community may never be achieved, because of the outside chaos that has destroyed my community.
The next steps should be to have my community united, thus inspiring outside communities to follow suit, so there can be a nationwide locking of minds and movements.
But I can't get to that step I just mentioned without the cooperation of family, friends, and my community.
Little did I know that some people...
Just don't care and never will.
Some people get angry about the tragedies that are occurring, but will sit around and wait for someone else to take care of it.
Some people just sit back and watch all of this happen, because they are too afraid of what others might think.
Some people don't have the resources or finances to do what they really want to do to give a helping hand.
Some people honestly don't know how or where to start making a change.
Some people just ignore it and say things will fix themselves... eventually.
Some people think love conquers all. Rather, they think extending a hand to your oppressor will make things better. Nope.
Some people love their oppressors more than they love themselves or the people that look like them.
Some people think they don't have to care about the people that look like them. These people are conditioned to believe that they will do no difference in doing outreach, because the people in the community *seem* ignorant.
Some people hate who they are, and can't help but hate anyone that looks like them.
Some people are just evil, selfish, and only care about their money.
Little did I know that achieving world peace starts by achieving peace within your own mind, body, and soul.
Little did I know that peace from within should lead to peace within your household.
Little did I know that peace in the household should lead to peace within the family.
Little did I know that peace within the family should lead to peace with friends.
Little did I know that peace within the ones closest to you should lead to peace within my community.
Little did I know that peace within the community may never be achieved, because of the outside chaos that has destroyed my community.
The next steps should be to have my community united, thus inspiring outside communities to follow suit, so there can be a nationwide locking of minds and movements.
But I can't get to that step I just mentioned without the cooperation of family, friends, and my community.
Little did I know that some people...
Just don't care and never will.
Some people get angry about the tragedies that are occurring, but will sit around and wait for someone else to take care of it.
Some people just sit back and watch all of this happen, because they are too afraid of what others might think.
Some people don't have the resources or finances to do what they really want to do to give a helping hand.
Some people honestly don't know how or where to start making a change.
Some people just ignore it and say things will fix themselves... eventually.
Some people think love conquers all. Rather, they think extending a hand to your oppressor will make things better. Nope.
Some people love their oppressors more than they love themselves or the people that look like them.
Some people think they don't have to care about the people that look like them. These people are conditioned to believe that they will do no difference in doing outreach, because the people in the community *seem* ignorant.
Some people hate who they are, and can't help but hate anyone that looks like them.
Some people are just evil, selfish, and only care about their money.
Institutional Racism in Schools
My opportunities there were lost...
A lot of children who live in urban environments and go to inner city schools have, unfortunately, suffered the same fate. My case is no different than other children's lost or undeveloped talents.
It's just as if I wanted to learn about music, but my inner city school cut the arts program out.
Just as if I were an athlete but they had to fire the coach or didn't have enough equipment.
Just as if I wanted to learn about current events, but my school couldn't afford books after 1996 or didn't have enough books for all students to take them home to do homework.
Just as if I were just a child in class, distracted from the class topics because I'm worried about going home since mommy couldn't buy groceries this week.
Just like the child who may be going through an extremely rough home life and does not know how to express themselves verbally or is just straight up disinterested in class, and does poorly in standardized testing, so the teacher puts them into remedial or special ed classes.
Just like the child who may have been aggressive, so the teacher neglects their needs and thus the school to prison pipeline begins for that child.
Institutional racism works in many intricate ways. Our inner city schools are under funded for many reasons, but I also believe that THAT is a big factor. #institutionalracism #schooltoprisonpipeline #giveusachance
http://racism.org/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=1167:education02-3&catid=49&Itemid=172
http://www.usnews.com/news/blogs/at-the-edge/2015/05/06/institutional-racism-is-our-way-of-life
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Am I Next?
This is my first post in a very long time, and I apologize. This has to be put up here... I am outraged...
August 11 was the anniversary of the 1965 Watts Riots in LA. Yesterday (Aug 11) we see a community mourning the loss of their young man Mike Brown… and it looks to be the town of Ferguson is starting to get torn up…
I’m tired of this, man.
Let’s remember BOTH Mike Brown and Robin Williams today. The circumstances surrounding both of their deaths (police brutality and suicide, respectively) is no laughing matter. These are serious, extreme issues that WE ALL face each day. How many more Black boys have to get murdered by their oppressors or how many more people have to die under their own control due to depression, substance abuse, and mental disorders?
On the note of suicide/depression; if you need to get help, talk to someone! I’m here for all of you!!! If you need support, I got you. The last thing I want to see is one of my peers/family suffering and believing they have no one to turn to. I may not be the best help, but just know I care and LOVE your life, all of you… this is a serious issue that isn’t always highlighted… there can be any second where you snap and just forget about all the better moments of your life. We must raise awareness for suicide prevention!!!
But, what hits me in the heart the hardest is the fact that Black people around the globe are just seen a disposable.. we’re targets… no one cares!!! They either kill us or put us in prison EVERY DAY. The latest death of Mike Brown is what makes me upset the most today (no disrespect to Mr. Williams)….This is why we as a people need to come together and not just organize, but build!! We need to work together and end racism, period… Peoples of the Afrikan diaspora are connected by the same struggle. We NEED each other to put an end to all of this…. man, there’s sooooo much more I want to say, but I won’t…. We must raise awareness in the Black community first to put an end to this mess.
#JusticeForJordanDavis
#JusticeForRenishaMcBride
#JusticeForKimaniGray
#JusticeForSeanBell
#JusticeForAmadouDiallo
#JusticeForOscarGrant
#JusticeForKendrickJohnson
#JusticeForEricGarner
#JusticeForTrayvonMartin
#JusticeForEmmettTill
#JusticeForFredHampton
And justice/RiP to EVERYONE else that should be included…
I hate walking around, looking at my brothers and sisters and wondering “who’s next”… I wonder if I’m next…
And
August 11 was the anniversary of the 1965 Watts Riots in LA. Yesterday (Aug 11) we see a community mourning the loss of their young man Mike Brown… and it looks to be the town of Ferguson is starting to get torn up…
I’m tired of this, man.
Let’s remember BOTH Mike Brown and Robin Williams today. The circumstances surrounding both of their deaths (police brutality and suicide, respectively) is no laughing matter. These are serious, extreme issues that WE ALL face each day. How many more Black boys have to get murdered by their oppressors or how many more people have to die under their own control due to depression, substance abuse, and mental disorders?
On the note of suicide/depression; if you need to get help, talk to someone! I’m here for all of you!!! If you need support, I got you. The last thing I want to see is one of my peers/family suffering and believing they have no one to turn to. I may not be the best help, but just know I care and LOVE your life, all of you… this is a serious issue that isn’t always highlighted… there can be any second where you snap and just forget about all the better moments of your life. We must raise awareness for suicide prevention!!!
But, what hits me in the heart the hardest is the fact that Black people around the globe are just seen a disposable.. we’re targets… no one cares!!! They either kill us or put us in prison EVERY DAY. The latest death of Mike Brown is what makes me upset the most today (no disrespect to Mr. Williams)….This is why we as a people need to come together and not just organize, but build!! We need to work together and end racism, period… Peoples of the Afrikan diaspora are connected by the same struggle. We NEED each other to put an end to all of this…. man, there’s sooooo much more I want to say, but I won’t…. We must raise awareness in the Black community first to put an end to this mess.
#JusticeForJordanDavis
#JusticeForRenishaMcBride
#JusticeForKimaniGray
#JusticeForSeanBell
#JusticeForAmadouDiallo
#JusticeForOscarGrant
#JusticeForKendrickJohnson
#JusticeForEricGarner
#JusticeForTrayvonMartin
#JusticeForEmmettTill
#JusticeForFredHampton
And justice/RiP to EVERYONE else that should be included…
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
Personality Tests - I'm an INFP
Hey everyone,
I know I haven't created an obligatory "introduction" post yet, so I'll make sure I do that soon. Right now, I'd just like to share a tidbit of information about me...
I've always been the type of person who tries to analyze who I am, and why I am the way I am. I've taken (inaccurate) personality tests here and there for years now, and have never really found a test that actually made sense. The other day, I was browsing someone's blog, and came across one of his personal posts. In that post, I read that he describes himself as an INTJ (introverted intuitive thinking judging). He had a link to what exactly what that meant, and I was able to read about what type of people INTJs are. I read the whole description and thought I share a few of the same traits (as far as the introversion, and intuitiveness). I decided to take the free Myers-Briggs personality test for myself to see if I can get a near accurate evaluation. Instead of reading the normal inaccurate or nonsensical write up, I found that this test seemed very... scholarly, if that makes sense. I felt that this website had legit explanations and statistics, and examples to what the 16 personality profiles were. The test took me about 10 minutes, and it had a decent amount of questions that really allows the test taker to evaluate their experiences and thoughts when it came to certain situations. I took the test, and my results state that I am an INFP (introverted intuitive feeling prospecting). Check out everything I've pasted from the website and read all about the personality of an INFP.
INFPs are categorized under one of four type groups, the Diplomats. Here is a description:
"Type Groups:
A group of Intuitive and Feeling personality types – Diplomats focus on empathy and cooperation, shining in diplomacy and counselling. People belonging to this type group are cooperative and imaginative, often playing the role of harmonizers in their workplace or social circles. These traits make Diplomats warm, empathic and influential individuals, but also cause issues when there is a need to rely exclusively on cold rationality or make difficult decisions".
Then, there is a breakdown of the personality traits (the I, N, F, and P of INFP). There are four categories of traits: Mind, Energy, Nature, and Tactics.
"Personality traits explained:
Black Palatte - by Meesh (completed 5/5/14)
Hello everyone. I believe this is my “deepest/most personal” poem to date. It’s one of my favorites. Enjoy!
When I come around, I pretend I don’t hear the sounds
Or see the looks of general curiosity
Parts of me want to shout and say
"I know who I am, and that’s okay"
But it’s not… because I don’t
Growing up, I claimed my Cherokee heritage
Even though there is no substantial proof
I was also told I could be German
And yeah, Cuban too
Possibly Jamaican, due to daddy’s locks that were shaking
And my height that came to match
Early on I didn’t catch
The pain my mother would hatch
When she’d mention her dark complexion
Compared to my dad, so she became sad
I didn’t understand, what I am or where I be
It was hard to perceive the general complexity
Of race, class, gender, and creed
Dark skin vs light skin-did was always the talk
Dark skins can’t get a job, light skins selfied while they walked
Light skins won’t call back but dark skins would be accused of attack
Why can’t we just all be considered BLACK?
Why do we separate, even if the palette of our families don’t match?
Yeah, technically we aren’t BLACK, but you know what I mean
Since African American is a term that most of us feel demeans
Our actual “place” in this world not full of grace…
it’s a disgrace we can’t be embraced
Equally unequal is the status of the hood
Because where justice stood, people were behaving like they outta not be good
You know how the children’s story goes, people killing, money woes
Black on black crime, because we can’t make up our minds
I know the media blows this all out of proportion
We’re not all bad, and we don’t just need coercion
We need our mothers and fathers, or grannies and uncles
We need to love ourselves first, to get out of this curse
And just because I’m black, doesn’t mean I’m a “nigga”
I’m not ignorant, low, or beneath you, and your 6 figures
And in my headphones I bop to not just Hip Hop
I love bachata, classical, and rock,
who knew?
My first musical loves:
Led Zeppelin
And The Legendary Roots crew
The color of my skin is not an accurate representation of my musical choices
It does not equate to the way my vernacular swirls and swings and the way my flow rejoices
And I’m proud to say I know where I come from
I took a little test on Ancestry.com
I’m 3/4 West African… Togo, Cameroon, and Senegal
Admixed like the rest of America and beyond
Unlike my brothas and sistas who just know they’re descendants from slaves
I can say I’ve paid my way to understanding where I may have come from that day
It’s a privilege for a black person to find these things out
But whites are born and bred to speak aloud how they came about
I’ve never met someone who looks like me,
to say I can trace my family history
Although both sides of family say “we came from down south”
That wasn’t good enough for me, so I took it upon myself to erase the doubt
What am I? Who am I? Where in Africa has my family been?
Were they from Ghana, Mali, Benin?
Where else did they breed? Great Britain, Ireland, are they Portuguese?
Turns out all of these, my bloodline did trace back for me
I remain Black and proud, no matter what is in my blood
And know some doubters won’t understand, it’s all good
This wasn’t for you, nor the benefit of the black race
Not for the people who’ve spit in my face
Neglecting the fact I can overcome
The fact that I can, I will, I’ve won
Someday I’ll meet the people of these places
So I can get a good look at my traces
And start a movement to get us all involved
In discovering our roots, no perming at all.
Tuesday - by Meesh (2012)
Like a CD you’ve never heard of
I want to be thought of as acceptable
Think of me as something new, something worth listening to
Don’t download me online, or just get the singles.
I want you to buy me, the hard copy, spend your hard earned money on me,
become my friend because you WANT to
Desire to hear the tracks that correspond to my life
I want to be played and played again until you finally understand the lyrics
Feel my beat and clap your hands to my positive energy
Or cry along with me to my somber negativity
Cherish me like your favorite artist,
Or just your favorite song
And read my liner notes and appreciate my cover art as you go along
Press play when you want to hear me because I’ll always be by your side
Pause when desired because I might get too excited and skip a track or two
Stop me if I make a mistake of if you don’t want to hear me anymore
If I get too scratched up, wipe me off and put me back in my case, be the good friend that you’re supposed to be and tell me it’ll be ok
I’m willing to stop spinning from time to time anyway
Treat me like a CD you’ve never heard before
Think of me as something that’ll change what you listen to on the radio
Make sure you read my warning label though:
I am different, and I am my own genre
With a touch of conscious Hip Hop, a dash of Alt Rock and Jazz
No, WAIT! I’m a bit of everything, but don’t categorize me as a “subgenre” or an “other”
I have plenty of live instruments and a couple of synths in my later tracks, like The Roots
So I can appeal to most crowds…
Well, that’s if you buy me…
I may not have flashy album artwork
My skits aren’t always the funniest
And my tracks may not be brilliantly sequenced
But they’ve been strategically placed
So I can make friends that will only relate to certain songs, or certain parts of the album
I want a friend that cherishes me,
That hears me in their sleep
That thinks of my unique cadences, and hums them subconsciously
I want a friend that thinks of me as a CD that has never been heard before
Hear the timbre of the instruments I choose and jokingly say “of course you would “
Because I refuse to sound like another album
And play the same old songs over and over again like the radio does
And you know, I’m not made for the radio anyway
The radio doesn’t deserve me
I don’t possess one hit wonders
Nor do I spread worthless, misogynistic, mind numbing blunders
I do not turn up
My motto isn’t YOLO
I just have the music that makes your mind go
And make decisions that will keep you alive
Instead of doing stunts, getting drunk, smokin’ blunts that will tar up your mind
Soul and body, probably.
Just treat me like a CD you’ve never heard before
But don’t listen to me once and throw me away.
I’m a deluxe edition with hidden bonus tracks
That can only be heard after a few playbacks.
Away - by Meesh (summer 2013)
You keep letting me walk away as if I am a/stray, with ashes from my rim down to my decisions that cloud up my revisions of marking my territory, finding solitude in the caves and alleyways of the gray city…
Bumpin in the urban, to music, undeservin of the way life throws its curves, swerves, and has the nerve
To treat me as the one kind who is unkindly.
I’m binding my spine to the pages of this half ass, dog eared book we call life…
Once the pages start flying away we
Get blinded with a smack in the face and disgraced with the dripping words that have been misplaced…
As if I were a G where an E shouldn’t B… ♭, is my stomach…
I don’t want it…
Just to be spiteful might do for you
But there’s ne’er a clue that leads to the great Blue I the sky; in the chair actually,
But you sent me away so there’s no factual truth…
In my image you’ve been created… But you sent me away, so where are you?
Why I - by Meesh (2013)
This poem is the result of a poetry workshop from my old college. We had to write about an issue that angers us the most. In this poem, I took the stance of a young street soldier.
Why ?
Why does momma cry and the tears from her eyes hide the hate and crime I omit to the sky?
If I were her I’d quit, give up on this
This ain’t a life to live at all
From the womb I was destined to fall
Into the hands
Of
The hood
Or as we call it
The HOOD
Because we like covering ourselves from the real world
All we think we got is a gat, some hats, and a pack of blacks
Think it’ll make everything better, just light up, shoot, and look for the next piece to dig, ya dig?
Why?
Well its simple
Why I do this
For thrills
That my homies get after I overcome the chills
I dont wanna do this
But I know this life I take won’t have to suffer no more
Why I say that?
Cuz its true.
I wanna pull the trigger on myself sometimes
But I’m too scared to do it
In school… Before I left… They said guns are hatred
But I love my gun, it makes people happy
Like I said before, they won’t suffer no more
And plus, its the only thing that loves me…
Why?
Because I know my gun in someone else’s hand is gonna love me too one day.
Hopefully when I turn 13, that’s my lucky number…
untitled - by Meesh (2013)
My forlorn soul is full of light and color
But this life I live remains in black and white
Day by day this world gets duller
So with much difficulty I stay in the fight
Speeding down from pain and aching from hunger
I lumber and wonder when I can finally slumber
There’s no ceasing , at least in this place
This is the fate that I have no choice but face
My enemy, or, my friend as he
Lifted his grip while he said to me
"You fool, no one will try to change in this world"
Irate, I say “I can try, for I am a changing girl”
To change the world we first change in our heart
To start we leave our mark by taking that first step in the dark
Our footprints will always remain, even if they’re washed away
For the earth knows what wonders you’ve done today
You and Me(dia) - by Meesh (2012)
Blinded by an iron curtain that really isn’t there
Unblock your ears and listen, so you can be aware.
There’s one thing I have to ask you:
What are you normally hearing?
Are you deaf, bored, are thoughts not appearing?
There’s something that always gets me,
something they always say,
"There’s nothing safe out there," yet
"it helps your health, don’t fray!"
"Keep your distance, be aware, "while
"Oh, it’s the best place to get paid!"
Contradictions, my friend, is all it creates
Every morning, afternoon, late
And subtle words that pass your ears
were powerful, but of course they made sneers that destroy the years
of fighting, struggling, blood, sweat and tearing
Leaving all that faded, erased, they became jaded
Claim to be all knowing, ignorance is what’s showing
Sliding thru their teeth, at least,
Can you show some grief?
They’re working, their tactics,
of hypnotizing… the fact is:
You twist and turn, shout, block the truth and never learn
that their efforts aren’t worth your time.
Solitude - by Meesh (2013)
Deep - pressed is the status of my heart
Low and heavy weight brings it down to the depths of despair
I try to seek refuge in sun’s shining rays
But all I can find is a shadow following my every move
Questions upon doubts upon sadness upon grief
What kind of world is this?
Should I even bother?
Meesh's Wrap - by Meesh (2013)
Lol I thought I was a rapper in this one.
Shadowboxing with the freaks of the night
What a sight, but I’m not in fright
I quickly rip thru the pages of their lady like-
Tactics of practice, no gymnastics but I stretch these fingers alright
Writing is so deadly that its ghost type
Outta control, don’t know what hap-pens with ease
Homies
Don’t squeeze your grip so tight, ain’t no orange juice where I be
I float between the lines
Fly between the keys
Hover over your rhymes, I see no one’s deader than me
I killed the skill a long time ago
Wrote all the best rhymes, you know
My vivid and livid imagery killed me, my time to go
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