I didn’t realize my depression and
anxiety could be linked to all that I’ve been seeing, hearing, and
experiencing in reference to all of the attacks on Black lives. At
first, and of course, my issues were born via personal situations. But
then I realized, starting from the Ferguson tragedy, my sleeping
problems became worse and I was more stressed out. Then it kept
happening, over and over again after the murders that followed suit. So
PERSONALLY, the various instances of racism and the effects of white
supremacy AND my various personal trials and tribulations that I have
faced in the past year are the cause of my pain.
So, if
you’re like me and didn’t think that racism/white supremacy can jump
start or aid in the mental health issues you’ve been facing, think
again.
Oh, and I also learned about what environmental racism is.
Saturday, August 22, 2015
Hey world.
So as you can see, I just put up like 4 random posts out of the blue... a whole year after my last post.
I completely neglected this blog.
I was going thru so many personal issues that I basically gave up on everything.
But within the past year or two, I've become involved with social justice and activism, so the tone of my posts may be a lot darker than what is already up here.
I've shared my thoughts on lots of different topics via facebook and instagram, and tumblr as well, but of course I'd get little to no responses or I'd just get completely ignored.
And I know on here that I have -3 followers, so for sure my posts won't get any attention now.
But maybe this could serve as an online journal of sorts.
I wanted to start this as a music blog, then a poetry blog, then maybe a blog about social justice. I decided to make it all of that and more, because it's my blog lol.
So I'm going to try my best and put up my thoughts and ramblings on here, so I can get my ideas and feelings out and not go crazy.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Back to my whole "personal issues" jawn. I was reluctant to share what was going on, but hey... maybe it could help me or someone else. So here ya'll go:
Long story short, on September 11, 2014, I tripped and injured my ankle. Two days later, I traveled all the way from my college to back home, at a hospital downtown (with my mom). The shady doctor dismissed my agony and since all I got was an X-Ray (1st mistake), she just said I had a sprain and sent me off with a too-small boot and an air cast. No crutches.
Next thing you know, a week later I was in so much pain that I had to borrow crutches from my school's Health Services.
THEN, THREE FRIGGIN MONTHS LATER, STILL IN EXTREME PAIN after going back and forth to my doctor, I finally got an MRI and they saw I had a torn calcaneofibular ligament in my right ankle.
Great.
Sooooo I got referred to an orthopedic, and he put me in a fiberglass cast for 3 weeks. Nothing got better. So, then I had to get surgery. That was in February 2015. 3 weeks after surgery, I was to get physical therapy. Since I was at my college in West Narnia (lol), it would be difficult. No one was willing to drive me anywhere for physical therapy 3x a week. I don't have a license, nor car, nor would I actually be able to drive. So 4 weeks before my semester was over, we found a place that had free transportation. The only issue was that the co pay was so friggin expensive that I could only go to PT once a week, and not 3 times like I was supposed to.
So lemme back up: I waited approx 2 months after surgery to get PT. BAD!!!
And after school ended, I had to find another place. I did eventually. But 2 weeks before my PT ended, I started getting sharp pains in my ankle. I got another MRI but that came out good... and I was forced to give up my crutches and the boot I had begged for since I was still experiencing pain.
That was in June? I believe. I dunno.
So now I'm "walking", but I'm still in pain. And I'm not back in PT yet.
All the while this garbage is happening to me, I started struggling in college. I was a junior when all this happened.
Because I was in pain for so long, that I didn't know what was happening with my ankle, that depressed me. The pain... ugh... day and night, and then the added pain on my arms and whole dang body from the crutches and putting all my weight on my left leg just ruined me.
Plus the fact that I felt like a lot of people started to get annoyed and aggravated because they didn't feel like helping me. So I often struggled doing things on my own... then eventually stopped doing certain things and going to vital places because I was incapable of doing it myself.
So being so loney and feeling neglected from my "friends" made me more depressed.
My schoolwork took a MAJOR hit. I was doing "meh" my Fall semester, but Spring semester was down the toilet. I had to drop 2 classes, barely passed one with a C+, and the last one I had to do an incomplete for, and I still have yet to do that work. Every time I got homework, I would push it off until the last minute, and just give up completely. I barely did homework. I also became extremely dissatisfied and uninterested with my major, and I wanted to change it, but I had no idea what I would change it to since I'm not good at anything. I have no skills. Plus I am going to be a senior, and I didn't want to push myself back even more.
And add the fact that I had family issues in terms of finances, health problems between me and family/tons of deaths in the family in a short period of time, and not being able to see my dad when I needed made it even worse.
I was having panic attacks, heart palpitations, nausea, headaches, sleeping even worse and I wasn't enjoying life anymore.
So I started going to counseling/therapy in March at my school. That helped a lot actually.
My counselor and my academic advisor and a few friends suggested I either take a leave during that semester, or for the Fall 2015 semester coming up. I said I'd think about it.
About a month ago, at my doctor's office, I requested for an EKG since my heart palpitations were becoming more frequent and I just felt like I was going to die.
They came out fine...
But my doc figured out I was having the PHYSICAL symptoms of depression. She said something that I would have never been able to figure out: that I actually COULDN'T do my work. I was depressed! And when you are depressed, you just aren't yourself and you can actually be so down that the things you know are important just can't get done.
Mind *blown*
But then she suggested I take the semester off, get more therapy, and see how I do.
So my mom and I finalized my leave for the semester, and we're still looking for a therapist.
I need a job too... hopefully I find something that suits me. My anxiety has been getting worse and the last thing I want to do is work a register or answer phones all day.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I also realized this (which I'm going to make a post of its own):
Racism/White Supremacy Can Aide in Depression/Anxiety!
I didn’t realize my depression and anxiety could be linked to all that I’ve been seeing, hearing, and experiencing in reference to all of the attacks on Black lives. At first, and of course, my issues were born via personal situations. But then I realized, starting from the Ferguson tragedy, my sleeping problems became worse and I was more stressed out. Then it kept happening, over and over again after the murders that followed suit. So PERSONALLY, the various instances of racism and the effects of white supremacy AND my various personal trials and tribulations that I have faced in the past year are the cause of my pain.
So, if you’re like me and didn’t think that racism/white supremacy can jump start or aid in the mental health issues you’ve been facing, think again.
Oh, and I also learned about what environmental racism is.
I want to find a therapist that looks like me. Because ain’t no way I’m mentioning this to someone who doesn’t look like me AND thinks we’re the savages. Not today, not ever.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And in conclusion, I want to share with you a Tumblr post I made during one of my low, low nights, on June 5. I was extremely vulnerable and straight up upset. This is basically a summary of all I said above:
"What am i good for. i have no skills. i used to write poetry but never wanted to do anything with it. i hate public speaking/get tongue tied when speaking to regular people. i can’t verbally get my thoughts across without feeling stupid. i can’t play instruments. i can’t sing. i can’t dance. i don’t play sports. i’m not a tech expert. i get ignored in basic conversations. people don’t care about my views. i had to drop 2 classes, do an incomplete in 1 class, and got a C+ in the only class i completed this past semester. the one before that, was shit too, but slightly better. my ankle is still injured since Sept and I’m kinda upgraded to using one crutch. i don’t know how to do hair. i’m not good in math or science. i don’t remember any technicalities in english if i had to tutor someone. i’m a picky eater. i have year round allergies. i have a high prescription and wear glasses. i guess im beautiful. im a music industry (now music production) major in college but i have no equipment and have never had any hands on experience until now. im 21. im interning at a studio and struggling trying to make a beat. i dont even think i like this industry since i changed my concentration and got a C+ in Music Production Technology right after I decided that would be my concentration. so i might have been a waste of time to change it. i have nothing to rely on. i dont know how to do anything. i aint shit".
*Sigh*
So as you can see, I just put up like 4 random posts out of the blue... a whole year after my last post.
I completely neglected this blog.
I was going thru so many personal issues that I basically gave up on everything.
But within the past year or two, I've become involved with social justice and activism, so the tone of my posts may be a lot darker than what is already up here.
I've shared my thoughts on lots of different topics via facebook and instagram, and tumblr as well, but of course I'd get little to no responses or I'd just get completely ignored.
And I know on here that I have -3 followers, so for sure my posts won't get any attention now.
But maybe this could serve as an online journal of sorts.
I wanted to start this as a music blog, then a poetry blog, then maybe a blog about social justice. I decided to make it all of that and more, because it's my blog lol.
So I'm going to try my best and put up my thoughts and ramblings on here, so I can get my ideas and feelings out and not go crazy.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Back to my whole "personal issues" jawn. I was reluctant to share what was going on, but hey... maybe it could help me or someone else. So here ya'll go:
Long story short, on September 11, 2014, I tripped and injured my ankle. Two days later, I traveled all the way from my college to back home, at a hospital downtown (with my mom). The shady doctor dismissed my agony and since all I got was an X-Ray (1st mistake), she just said I had a sprain and sent me off with a too-small boot and an air cast. No crutches.
Next thing you know, a week later I was in so much pain that I had to borrow crutches from my school's Health Services.
THEN, THREE FRIGGIN MONTHS LATER, STILL IN EXTREME PAIN after going back and forth to my doctor, I finally got an MRI and they saw I had a torn calcaneofibular ligament in my right ankle.
Great.
Sooooo I got referred to an orthopedic, and he put me in a fiberglass cast for 3 weeks. Nothing got better. So, then I had to get surgery. That was in February 2015. 3 weeks after surgery, I was to get physical therapy. Since I was at my college in West Narnia (lol), it would be difficult. No one was willing to drive me anywhere for physical therapy 3x a week. I don't have a license, nor car, nor would I actually be able to drive. So 4 weeks before my semester was over, we found a place that had free transportation. The only issue was that the co pay was so friggin expensive that I could only go to PT once a week, and not 3 times like I was supposed to.
So lemme back up: I waited approx 2 months after surgery to get PT. BAD!!!
And after school ended, I had to find another place. I did eventually. But 2 weeks before my PT ended, I started getting sharp pains in my ankle. I got another MRI but that came out good... and I was forced to give up my crutches and the boot I had begged for since I was still experiencing pain.
That was in June? I believe. I dunno.
So now I'm "walking", but I'm still in pain. And I'm not back in PT yet.
All the while this garbage is happening to me, I started struggling in college. I was a junior when all this happened.
Because I was in pain for so long, that I didn't know what was happening with my ankle, that depressed me. The pain... ugh... day and night, and then the added pain on my arms and whole dang body from the crutches and putting all my weight on my left leg just ruined me.
Plus the fact that I felt like a lot of people started to get annoyed and aggravated because they didn't feel like helping me. So I often struggled doing things on my own... then eventually stopped doing certain things and going to vital places because I was incapable of doing it myself.
So being so loney and feeling neglected from my "friends" made me more depressed.
My schoolwork took a MAJOR hit. I was doing "meh" my Fall semester, but Spring semester was down the toilet. I had to drop 2 classes, barely passed one with a C+, and the last one I had to do an incomplete for, and I still have yet to do that work. Every time I got homework, I would push it off until the last minute, and just give up completely. I barely did homework. I also became extremely dissatisfied and uninterested with my major, and I wanted to change it, but I had no idea what I would change it to since I'm not good at anything. I have no skills. Plus I am going to be a senior, and I didn't want to push myself back even more.
And add the fact that I had family issues in terms of finances, health problems between me and family/tons of deaths in the family in a short period of time, and not being able to see my dad when I needed made it even worse.
I was having panic attacks, heart palpitations, nausea, headaches, sleeping even worse and I wasn't enjoying life anymore.
So I started going to counseling/therapy in March at my school. That helped a lot actually.
My counselor and my academic advisor and a few friends suggested I either take a leave during that semester, or for the Fall 2015 semester coming up. I said I'd think about it.
About a month ago, at my doctor's office, I requested for an EKG since my heart palpitations were becoming more frequent and I just felt like I was going to die.
They came out fine...
But my doc figured out I was having the PHYSICAL symptoms of depression. She said something that I would have never been able to figure out: that I actually COULDN'T do my work. I was depressed! And when you are depressed, you just aren't yourself and you can actually be so down that the things you know are important just can't get done.
Mind *blown*
But then she suggested I take the semester off, get more therapy, and see how I do.
So my mom and I finalized my leave for the semester, and we're still looking for a therapist.
I need a job too... hopefully I find something that suits me. My anxiety has been getting worse and the last thing I want to do is work a register or answer phones all day.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I also realized this (which I'm going to make a post of its own):
Racism/White Supremacy Can Aide in Depression/Anxiety!
I didn’t realize my depression and anxiety could be linked to all that I’ve been seeing, hearing, and experiencing in reference to all of the attacks on Black lives. At first, and of course, my issues were born via personal situations. But then I realized, starting from the Ferguson tragedy, my sleeping problems became worse and I was more stressed out. Then it kept happening, over and over again after the murders that followed suit. So PERSONALLY, the various instances of racism and the effects of white supremacy AND my various personal trials and tribulations that I have faced in the past year are the cause of my pain.
So, if you’re like me and didn’t think that racism/white supremacy can jump start or aid in the mental health issues you’ve been facing, think again.
Oh, and I also learned about what environmental racism is.
I want to find a therapist that looks like me. Because ain’t no way I’m mentioning this to someone who doesn’t look like me AND thinks we’re the savages. Not today, not ever.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And in conclusion, I want to share with you a Tumblr post I made during one of my low, low nights, on June 5. I was extremely vulnerable and straight up upset. This is basically a summary of all I said above:
"What am i good for. i have no skills. i used to write poetry but never wanted to do anything with it. i hate public speaking/get tongue tied when speaking to regular people. i can’t verbally get my thoughts across without feeling stupid. i can’t play instruments. i can’t sing. i can’t dance. i don’t play sports. i’m not a tech expert. i get ignored in basic conversations. people don’t care about my views. i had to drop 2 classes, do an incomplete in 1 class, and got a C+ in the only class i completed this past semester. the one before that, was shit too, but slightly better. my ankle is still injured since Sept and I’m kinda upgraded to using one crutch. i don’t know how to do hair. i’m not good in math or science. i don’t remember any technicalities in english if i had to tutor someone. i’m a picky eater. i have year round allergies. i have a high prescription and wear glasses. i guess im beautiful. im a music industry (now music production) major in college but i have no equipment and have never had any hands on experience until now. im 21. im interning at a studio and struggling trying to make a beat. i dont even think i like this industry since i changed my concentration and got a C+ in Music Production Technology right after I decided that would be my concentration. so i might have been a waste of time to change it. i have nothing to rely on. i dont know how to do anything. i aint shit".
*Sigh*
Friday, August 21, 2015
Gye Nyame
Meaning: "Except God"
Symbol of the omnipotence and the omnipresence of God. (Fear no one, except God.)
From the Akan aphorism "Abode santann yi firi tete; obi nte ase a onim ne ahyease, na obi ntena ase nkosi ne awie, gye Nyame."
Literal translation: "This great panorama of creation dates back to time immemorial; no one lives who saw its beginning and no one will live to see its end, except God."
The symbol reflects the Akan belief of a supreme being, the creator who they refer to by various names, e.g., Oboadee, Nyame, Onyankopon Twereampon."
I have always believed in a higher power... But I also believe that we as a people are Gods, that God is really all in me, and in all of you. God lives in all of us, and we have our own free will to shape our universe. God is also in every other living thing, and transcends space and time. I guess this would technically categorize me as a "panentheist" for those who need to understand where I'm coming from (yes, #panentheist, not #pantheist. Google is your friend lol). Additionally, our bodies reflect the composition of the universe. We have different elements within us that are also found in space, as well as in the Earth.
I grew up Catholic, but now I do not associate with any religion, nor do I necessarily believe in a "messiah". We are our own messiahs; we have the power to save ourselves and the Black family. I also say that The Black Woman is God, because she/we were the Original beings who cultivated life. The Black Man is God because he planted the seed in the Black woman, in order to help create the human race.
I do not agree with "fearing" God; I believe that we should understand that the Higher Power is capable of acts beyond our comprehension and all we can do is honor and respect that Power. We should learn how to leave self control and compassion, empathy, and goodwill towards each other, so that the God above/in the universe as well as the God within us can achieve satisfaction and continue to tap into the higher consciousness we all have.
Symbol of the omnipotence and the omnipresence of God. (Fear no one, except God.)
From the Akan aphorism "Abode santann yi firi tete; obi nte ase a onim ne ahyease, na obi ntena ase nkosi ne awie, gye Nyame."
Literal translation: "This great panorama of creation dates back to time immemorial; no one lives who saw its beginning and no one will live to see its end, except God."
The symbol reflects the Akan belief of a supreme being, the creator who they refer to by various names, e.g., Oboadee, Nyame, Onyankopon Twereampon."
I have always believed in a higher power... But I also believe that we as a people are Gods, that God is really all in me, and in all of you. God lives in all of us, and we have our own free will to shape our universe. God is also in every other living thing, and transcends space and time. I guess this would technically categorize me as a "panentheist" for those who need to understand where I'm coming from (yes, #panentheist, not #pantheist. Google is your friend lol). Additionally, our bodies reflect the composition of the universe. We have different elements within us that are also found in space, as well as in the Earth.
I grew up Catholic, but now I do not associate with any religion, nor do I necessarily believe in a "messiah". We are our own messiahs; we have the power to save ourselves and the Black family. I also say that The Black Woman is God, because she/we were the Original beings who cultivated life. The Black Man is God because he planted the seed in the Black woman, in order to help create the human race.
I do not agree with "fearing" God; I believe that we should understand that the Higher Power is capable of acts beyond our comprehension and all we can do is honor and respect that Power. We should learn how to leave self control and compassion, empathy, and goodwill towards each other, so that the God above/in the universe as well as the God within us can achieve satisfaction and continue to tap into the higher consciousness we all have.
Positive Energy Activates Constant Elevation
When I was younger, I always wished for world peace. I wanted to
achieve that somehow, either by myself or with a passionate group of
people working at it together.
Little did I know that achieving world peace starts by achieving peace within your own mind, body, and soul.
Little did I know that peace from within should lead to peace within your household.
Little did I know that peace in the household should lead to peace within the family.
Little did I know that peace within the family should lead to peace with friends.
Little did I know that peace within the ones closest to you should lead to peace within my community.
Little did I know that peace within the community may never be achieved, because of the outside chaos that has destroyed my community.
The next steps should be to have my community united, thus inspiring outside communities to follow suit, so there can be a nationwide locking of minds and movements.
But I can't get to that step I just mentioned without the cooperation of family, friends, and my community.
Little did I know that some people...
Just don't care and never will.
Some people get angry about the tragedies that are occurring, but will sit around and wait for someone else to take care of it.
Some people just sit back and watch all of this happen, because they are too afraid of what others might think.
Some people don't have the resources or finances to do what they really want to do to give a helping hand.
Some people honestly don't know how or where to start making a change.
Some people just ignore it and say things will fix themselves... eventually.
Some people think love conquers all. Rather, they think extending a hand to your oppressor will make things better. Nope.
Some people love their oppressors more than they love themselves or the people that look like them.
Some people think they don't have to care about the people that look like them. These people are conditioned to believe that they will do no difference in doing outreach, because the people in the community *seem* ignorant.
Some people hate who they are, and can't help but hate anyone that looks like them.
Some people are just evil, selfish, and only care about their money.
Little did I know that achieving world peace starts by achieving peace within your own mind, body, and soul.
Little did I know that peace from within should lead to peace within your household.
Little did I know that peace in the household should lead to peace within the family.
Little did I know that peace within the family should lead to peace with friends.
Little did I know that peace within the ones closest to you should lead to peace within my community.
Little did I know that peace within the community may never be achieved, because of the outside chaos that has destroyed my community.
The next steps should be to have my community united, thus inspiring outside communities to follow suit, so there can be a nationwide locking of minds and movements.
But I can't get to that step I just mentioned without the cooperation of family, friends, and my community.
Little did I know that some people...
Just don't care and never will.
Some people get angry about the tragedies that are occurring, but will sit around and wait for someone else to take care of it.
Some people just sit back and watch all of this happen, because they are too afraid of what others might think.
Some people don't have the resources or finances to do what they really want to do to give a helping hand.
Some people honestly don't know how or where to start making a change.
Some people just ignore it and say things will fix themselves... eventually.
Some people think love conquers all. Rather, they think extending a hand to your oppressor will make things better. Nope.
Some people love their oppressors more than they love themselves or the people that look like them.
Some people think they don't have to care about the people that look like them. These people are conditioned to believe that they will do no difference in doing outreach, because the people in the community *seem* ignorant.
Some people hate who they are, and can't help but hate anyone that looks like them.
Some people are just evil, selfish, and only care about their money.
Institutional Racism in Schools
My opportunities there were lost...
A lot of children who live in urban environments and go to inner city schools have, unfortunately, suffered the same fate. My case is no different than other children's lost or undeveloped talents.
It's just as if I wanted to learn about music, but my inner city school cut the arts program out.
Just as if I were an athlete but they had to fire the coach or didn't have enough equipment.
Just as if I wanted to learn about current events, but my school couldn't afford books after 1996 or didn't have enough books for all students to take them home to do homework.
Just as if I were just a child in class, distracted from the class topics because I'm worried about going home since mommy couldn't buy groceries this week.
Just like the child who may be going through an extremely rough home life and does not know how to express themselves verbally or is just straight up disinterested in class, and does poorly in standardized testing, so the teacher puts them into remedial or special ed classes.
Just like the child who may have been aggressive, so the teacher neglects their needs and thus the school to prison pipeline begins for that child.
Institutional racism works in many intricate ways. Our inner city schools are under funded for many reasons, but I also believe that THAT is a big factor. #institutionalracism #schooltoprisonpipeline #giveusachance
http://racism.org/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=1167:education02-3&catid=49&Itemid=172
http://www.usnews.com/news/blogs/at-the-edge/2015/05/06/institutional-racism-is-our-way-of-life
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