Hey world.

So as you can see, I just put up like 4 random posts out of the blue... a whole year after my last post.

I completely neglected this blog.

I was going thru so many personal issues that I basically gave up on everything.

But within the past year or two, I've become involved with social justice and activism, so the tone of my posts may be a lot darker than what is already up here.

I've shared my thoughts on lots of different topics via facebook and instagram, and tumblr as well, but of course I'd get little to no responses or I'd just get completely ignored.

And I know on here that I have -3 followers, so for sure my posts won't get any attention now.

But maybe this could serve as an online journal of sorts.

I wanted to start this as a music blog, then a poetry blog, then maybe a blog about social justice. I decided to make it all of that and more, because it's my blog lol.

So I'm going to try my best and put up my thoughts and ramblings on here, so I can get my ideas and feelings out and not go crazy.

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Back to my whole "personal issues" jawn. I was reluctant to share what was going on, but hey... maybe it could help me or someone else. So here ya'll go:

Long story short, on September 11, 2014, I tripped and injured my ankle. Two days later, I traveled all the way from my college to back home, at a hospital downtown (with my mom). The shady doctor dismissed my agony and since all I got was an X-Ray (1st mistake), she just said I had a sprain and sent me off with a too-small boot and an air cast. No crutches.

Next thing you know, a week later I was in so much pain that I had to borrow crutches from my school's Health Services.

THEN, THREE FRIGGIN MONTHS LATER, STILL IN EXTREME PAIN after going back and forth to my doctor, I finally got an MRI and they saw I had a torn calcaneofibular ligament in my right ankle.

Great.

Sooooo I got referred to an orthopedic, and he put me in a fiberglass cast for 3 weeks. Nothing got better. So, then I had to get surgery. That was in February 2015. 3 weeks after surgery, I was to get physical therapy. Since I was at my college in West Narnia (lol), it would be difficult. No one was willing to drive me anywhere for physical therapy 3x a week. I don't have a license, nor car, nor would I actually be able to drive. So 4 weeks before my semester was over, we found a place that had free transportation. The only issue was that the co pay was so friggin expensive that I could only go to PT once a week, and not 3 times like I was supposed to.

So lemme back up: I waited approx 2 months after surgery to get PT. BAD!!!

And after school ended, I had to find another place. I did eventually. But 2 weeks before my PT ended, I started getting sharp pains in my ankle. I got another MRI but that came out good... and I was forced to give up my crutches and the boot I had begged for since I was still experiencing pain.

That was in June? I believe. I dunno.
So now I'm "walking", but I'm still in pain. And I'm not back in PT yet.

All the while this garbage is happening to me, I started struggling in college. I was a junior when all this happened.

Because I was in pain for so long, that I didn't know what was happening with my ankle, that depressed me. The pain... ugh... day and night, and then the added pain on my arms and whole dang body from the crutches and putting all my weight on my left leg just ruined me.
Plus the fact that I felt like a lot of people started to get annoyed and aggravated because they didn't feel like helping me. So I often struggled doing things on my own... then eventually stopped doing certain things and going to vital places because I was incapable of doing it myself.

So being so loney and feeling neglected from my "friends" made me more depressed.

My schoolwork took a MAJOR hit. I was doing "meh" my Fall semester, but Spring semester was down the toilet. I had to drop 2 classes, barely passed one with a C+, and the last one I had to do an incomplete for, and I still have yet to do that work. Every time I got homework, I would push it off until the last minute, and just give up completely. I barely did homework. I also became extremely dissatisfied and uninterested with my major, and I wanted to change it, but I had no idea what I would change it to since I'm not good at anything. I have no skills. Plus I am going to be a senior, and I didn't want to push myself back even more.

And add the fact that I had family issues in terms of finances, health problems between me and family/tons of deaths in the family in a short period of time, and not being able to see my dad when I needed made it even worse.

I was having panic attacks, heart palpitations, nausea, headaches, sleeping even worse and I wasn't enjoying life anymore.

So I started going to counseling/therapy in March at my school. That helped a lot actually.

My counselor and my academic advisor and a few friends suggested I either take a leave during that semester, or for the Fall 2015 semester coming up. I said I'd think about it.

About a month ago, at my doctor's office, I requested for an EKG since my heart palpitations were becoming more frequent and I just felt like I was going to die.

They came out fine...

But my doc figured out I was having the PHYSICAL symptoms of depression. She said something that I would have never been able to figure out: that I actually COULDN'T do my work. I was depressed! And when you are depressed, you just aren't yourself and you can actually be so down that the things you know are important just can't get done.

Mind *blown*

But then she suggested I take the semester off, get more therapy, and see how I do.

So my mom and I finalized my leave for the semester, and we're still looking for a therapist.

I need a job too... hopefully I find something that suits me. My anxiety has been getting worse and the last thing I want to do is work a register or answer phones all day.

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I also realized this (which I'm going to make a post of its own):

Racism/White Supremacy Can Aide in Depression/Anxiety!

I didn’t realize my depression and anxiety could be linked to all that I’ve been seeing, hearing, and experiencing in reference to all of the attacks on Black lives. At first, and of course, my issues were born via personal situations. But then I realized, starting from the Ferguson tragedy, my sleeping problems became worse and I was more stressed out. Then it kept happening, over and over again after the murders that followed suit. So PERSONALLY, the various instances of racism and the effects of white supremacy AND my various personal trials and tribulations that I have faced in the past year are the cause of my pain.

So, if you’re like me and didn’t think that racism/white supremacy can jump start or aid in the mental health issues you’ve been facing, think again.

Oh, and I also learned about what environmental racism is.

I want to find a therapist that looks like me. Because ain’t no way I’m mentioning this to someone who doesn’t look like me AND thinks we’re the savages. Not today, not ever.

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And in conclusion, I want to share with you a Tumblr post I made during one of my low, low nights, on June 5. I was extremely vulnerable and straight up upset. This is basically a summary of all I said above:

"What am i good for. i have no skills. i used to write poetry but never wanted to do anything with it. i hate public speaking/get tongue tied when speaking to regular people. i can’t verbally get my thoughts across without feeling stupid. i can’t play instruments. i can’t sing. i can’t dance. i don’t play sports. i’m not a tech expert. i get ignored in basic conversations. people don’t care about my views. i had to drop 2 classes, do an incomplete in 1 class, and got a C+ in the only class i completed this past semester. the one before that, was shit too, but slightly better. my ankle is still injured since Sept and I’m kinda upgraded to using one crutch. i don’t know how to do hair. i’m not good in math or science. i don’t remember any technicalities in english if i had to tutor someone. i’m a picky eater. i have year round allergies. i have a high prescription and wear glasses. i guess im beautiful. im a music industry (now music production) major in college but i have no equipment and have never had any hands on experience until now. im 21. im interning at a studio and struggling trying to make a beat. i dont even think i like this industry since i changed my concentration and got a C+ in Music Production Technology right after I decided that would be my concentration. so i might have been a waste of time to change it. i have nothing to rely on. i dont know how to do anything. i aint shit".

*Sigh*